Styleupguide: Sex

May 11, 2018 No comments

May 01, 2018 No comments

Chance are, you're already doing some of these things. 🔥

We don’t often associate long-term relationships with hot, earth-shattering good sex. The reality is, plenty of couples have figured out how to keep things fresh in the bedroom even after being together for years.

What are they doing differently between the sheets? Below, sex therapists share seven habits of couples with the hottest sex lives.

1. They let themselves get excited together, even when sex isn’t on the menu.

Savoring the slow buildup ― drawing it out or teasing each other when you’re out in public and can’t do anything sexually explicit ― is a trait that most couples with hot sex lives share, said New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, the author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship.

“For most highly passionate couples, sex is just the tip of the iceberg,” he said. “They enjoy feeling aroused together even when it’s not possible to have actual sex or orgasm.”

Sure, that might be a smidge frustrating, but getting all hot and bothered and letting it build gradually can lead to super-intense, satisfying sex when you finally find the right time, Snyder said.

2. Every year, they get a little bit dirtier.

Couples with hot sex lives are always upping the ante in the bedroom. Whether it’s grapefruiting or trying some next-level sex position, they seek out the new and unexplored, said Celeste Hirschman, a sex therapist who wrote Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion with her business partner, Danielle Harel.

“One couple we worked with said, ‘Every year, we just got a little bit more dirty,’ and that really captures it,’” Hirschman said. “For a sex life to stay hot in the long term, you have to be willing to be creative and get out of the habitual ruts. Talk dirty. Try new experiences. Do whatever it takes to keep it fresh and fun, and your sex life will stay hot long after other people’s have burned out.”

3. They take care of themselves.

Couples with hot sex lives understand that feeling confident bolsters their sex drive. That doesn’t mean that they’re hitting Spin class every day and have zero body fat. The kind of confidence and inherent sexiness they possess is more full-bodied and holistic than that, said Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and the creator of the Passion Project: A Couples’ Blueprint to Rediscovering Desire and Reigniting the Spark.

“Phenomenal sex isn’t just about your relationship with your partner. It’s also about your relationship with yourself,” she said. “You have to take care of yourself. That might mean making time for self-care, treating your body right, overcoming sexual shame or guilt or learning new skills, like how to orgasm or how to last longer in bed.”

4. They laugh in and outside the bedroom.

Sex isn’t always sultry, seductive or hot. Silly things happen when two bodies slap against each other, not to mention funny noises. When awkward moments arise, couples with great sex lives take it in stride and laugh about it, said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist and an assistant professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine.

“Humor is a great aphrodisiac,” she said. “Laugh during sex. Couples who can leave stress outside of the bedroom and enjoy sex as a fun, temporary escape from reality are more satisfied than those who can’t shift gears and hang on to the stress, anger or resentment of daily life.”

5. They masturbate during sex.

Here’s a dirty little secret about relationship sex: Masturbating is much more fun when you’re not doing it alone. Plus, in the process, your partner gets a master class on the most reliable ways to please you, said Shannon Chavez, a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles.

“Couples that masturbate together stay together,” she said. “Showing a partner how you touch your body gives them insight into how you want to experience pleasure. It puts you in control of your own desire and allows your partner to participate in your pleasure.”

6. They explore each other’s fantasies.

In the words of sex columnist Dan Savage, the best sex partners are “good, giving and game.” In other words, they’re skilled in bed (thanks to a lot of practice), they’re generous, and they’re willing to try out whatever their partner’s into, within reason.

The three G’s are especially important in long-term, committed relationships, in which things can easily become stagnant in the bedroom, said Hirschman.

“Long-term couples with hot sex lives know that each person has their own unique erotic imagination,” she said. “They’ve learned their partner’s deepest fantasies and desires and are willing to stretch outside their comfort zone a bit to give their partner what they really, really want in bed.”

7. They kiss and touch throughout the day, just to show they care.

A playful pinch on the butt or kiss before work matters more than you think. Putting a premium on non-sexy-time touch is a great way to remind your partner that you’re content and still very much attracted to him or her, Chavez said.

“When you touch each other, you feel more connected and loving toward one another. It shows you want to be close to a partner,” she said. “In short, people that caress, hold hands, kiss, massage, rub and stroke each other without the expectation of sex tend to be more relaxed, aroused and sensually connected as couples.”

May 01, 2018 No comments

In everyday life, most of us aren’t walking around talking about our greatest sexual fantasies and desires. For sex therapists, however, such conversations are all in a day’s work.

Their clients tend to bring up certain turn-ons time and time again, giving these professionals a good sense of what’s popular across the board. We asked our network of sex therapists to share the fantasies their clients mention most frequently. Here’s what they told us:

1. Having a threesome

“Singles and couples alike fantasize about having three people in the bedroom. Part of the appeal is the sensual overload — so many different body parts all intertwined. A lot of couples like the idea of a threesome for bringing some spark and excitement back into the bedroom.” ―Vanessa Marin, sex therapist

2. Dominance and submission

“We see both men and women interested in dominance and submission. While men are generally more interested in dominating and women more interested in being dominated, this isn’t always the case. Some women are dominant and some men submissive. Fantasies of domination are about power, feeling like you are fully in control of an experience and that the other person will submit to your every whim. There are two super sexy things about submission: The first is the feeling that the sub has all of the attention of their dom, their full focus. The second is the feeling of letting go of control and being taken or used for the pleasure of another.” ―Danielle Harel and Celeste Hirschman, sex therapists and authors of Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion

3. Foot play

“Foot and shoe fantasies are very common, with mostly men reporting them. The fantasies could include being genitally stimulated by a foot, being walked on ... usually in shoes, or just visualizing different types of shoes to get aroused. The image of a foot in a particular type of shoe is very stimulating to some people. This fantasy often starts when people are very young, and it persists. When you think about how shoes are sold and displayed, it’s not surprising that some people eroticize them. It can get stronger when it’s kept secret (which it often is) or when a partner is upset about it. Then the foot fantasy becomes stronger through association with shame, being forbidden fruit.” ―Gracie Landes, sex therapist and marriage and family therapist

4. For straight people, having sex with someone of the same sex

“We tend to think of sexual orientation as binary (heterosexual or homosexual), but these categories are socially constructed concepts that may speak to our general sexual desires but miss the nuance of our innate sexual fluidity and curiosity. When we fantasize about being sexual with someone of the same sex, we get to ponder what it would be like to be touched in ways that are both foreign and familiar (when we touch ourselves) and to break free from some of the gender assumptions that we normally enact.” ―Ian Kerner, sex therapist and author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

5. Giving your partner multiple orgasms

“For heterosexual men, bar none, the most consistent fantasy I hear, year after year, is about having an enthusiastic partner who is having a genuinely good time and is freely expressive and responsive to his touch. It may be memories from a previous (particularly hot) sexual experience, or it may be images from porn, or it may be fantasy about a secret crush. But in every case, the woman is enjoying herself immensely and having multiple orgasms.

“This fantasy stems from men often feeling like they need to convince their partners to have sex. Many men share that it is difficult to stay aroused when you know (or suspect) that your partner is not into it. In addition, many men share that when their partner is super turned on, it makes them even more excited, which enhances their sexual satisfaction. It also helps a guy’s ego if he feels he is competent in bed.” ―Kimberly Resnick Anderson, sex therapist

6. Watching your partner have sex with somebody else

“With so many of us striving to be in monogamous relationships, there’s something inherently provocative and taboo about the fantasy of watching our partner have sex with someone else. Watching another’s hand touch our partner’s body or another’s mouth kiss our partner’s mouth reinforces our partner’s desirability while making a predictable attachment suddenly feel unpredictable, taking us back to the early days of infatuation. In the position of the voyeur (even in our own imaginations), we can be in power with our watchful gaze or powerless. Either way, through the lens of fantasy, pain becomes pleasure.”

May 01, 2018 No comments

Photo: iStock

You’re a master juggler, but between work, friends and family, the truth is sometimes nooky is the last thing on your to-do list. Well, it’s about time you take your sex life off the backburner and heat things up in the bedroom (and shower, kitchen, dining room...). Here's a cheat sheet for getting (and staying) in the mood.

1. Play with Toys

Ladies, the next time your guy is walking the dog or taking a shower, take those few minutes to dig into your goodie drawer. Get a head start with your vibrator and you'll be ripping his clothes off when he's back.

2. Make Out

Remember high school, when the greatest-thing-in-the-whole-wide-world was making out underneath the bleachers? Put a ban on the quick pecks and make sure every kiss lasts at least 10 seconds -- even if it's just a “see you in five minutes" smooch.

3. Rent a Sexy Movie

It doesn't have to be porn -- just find a movie that has a hot sex scene. We like Y Tu Mama Tambien (foreign languages and Diego Luna? Yes please!) and Unfaithful.

4. Fantasize

Write down your erotic fantasies and share them with each other. Now is not the time to be shy -- he'll love hearing your inner desires, and have an even better time making them a reality.

5. Get Steamy

Nothing says sexy better than being hot, wet, naked and surrounded by steam. (Bonus: You'll get a facial at the same time!)

6. Hold a Private “Game Night" for Two

Game nights don't have to be just mellow nights in with a Scrabble board. Spice things up with Foreplay Connect, an erotic game that encourages, should we say, bad behavior (i.e., four in a row really scores). Or try Sexopoly, with risky and frisky cards telling you to do stuff like remove another player's clothes with your teeth. And really, any classic game can be made sexy by adding the word “strip" to it (strip Go Fish, anyone?).

7. Treat Him to a Rubdown

Start with his shoulders -- he'll be so into it, and that'll make you into it. Before you know it, you'll be in the mood for more than just a foot massage.

8. Take a Staycation

Hotels aren't just good for family visits and holidays. Splurge for a night at a local hotel. You'll feel scandalous getting down in someone else's bed, and the “do not disturb" sign guarantees hours of uninterrupted pleasure.

Thanks to sex coach Kim Switnicki and Debby Herbenick, research scientist at Indiana University and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.

April 30, 2018 No comments

Photo: Getty

Take things up a notch (or ten) in bed with these naughty extras. Warning: Prudes need not read on.

A poll on TheNest.com found that 61 percent of couples have a few fun “extras" hidden in their nightstands. Do you? Here's the down and dirty scoop on some of the most popular in-the-sack sidekicks. (You know, in case you need some...uh...inspiration.)

Vibrators
Still keeping your “buzz"-worthy friend to yourself? You're missing out. Use a vibrator during foreplay with your partner to get things going, and show him where it feels best on you (this will also map out your most sensitive areas for him, which, trust us, can only benefit you). Once he's warmed up to it, try incorporating your vibrator into actual sex -- but don't forget to tell your guy how good he feels too, since no man wants to be replaced by a piece of plastic and two batteries.
Get it: The Form 2 vibrator works double-duty, and it's waterproof (don't ask). $135, JimmyJane.com

Flavored Lubes
Oral sex feels good, but let's be honest: Sometimes it can leave a bad taste in your mouth (or, it might be you who feels self-conscious about your man roaming around your southern hemisphere). Add a lil' sweetness to both of your kissable parts by squeezing a few drops of lube down there in flavors you both like, whether it's mint, chocolate, cherry, or another fruity variety. Just be sure to do a test run beforehand to make sure the lube doesn't irritate your...area.
Get it: Sweeten things up with Durex Play Passion Cherry lubricant. $7, UndercoverCondoms.com

Pleasure Rings
This rubber ring wraps around the base of your guy's penis and has a teeny tiny vibrator at one end to hit you in juuuust the right spot. It's the perfect option if you're (1) too lazy to manhandle a vibrator during the deed, or (2) just entering the world of sex toys and want to start with something not too intimidating. All you have to do is push it down to the base of your guy's penis during foreplay and then have sex like you normally would—only this time, with a more intense orgasm for you.
Get it: It might look like lips, but these vibrating lips don't go on your mouth. Hot Lips Vibrating Cock Ring, $6.99, EdensFantasy.com

Dildos
Okay, so we're going to say it: Dildos are ugly. Plus, you might feel a little strange watching your guy pull a fake penis out from your nightstand when he's got a perfectly good real one. But here's why you need to get over that: Sometimes your guy gets tired, or he orgasms before you do. Whatever the reason, a dildo can help. So stop being a hater and whip this bad boy out, even if you have to turn the lights off first.
Get it: Some dildos look like penises -- others look like pretty bathroom candles. For the latter, try the Jade Engraved Lotus Dildo. $355, CocodeMerUSA.com

Textured Condoms
We're going to go ahead and guess that you've experienced “ribbed for her pleasure" before, but there's actually a slew of other tantalizing textures out there ready to be explored. Have your guy wear a studded condom covered in raised dots to help you feel his every move even more intensely, or go with a condom that's ribbed but with a wider tip so that the most sensitive part of his penis isn't constricted but you're still getting extra traction. Tip: If you haven't tried textured rubbers before, have your guy go slow the first time around -- for some women, the extra friction can be uncomfortable.
Get it: With three inches of raised “studs," Beyond Seven Studded Condoms are sure to have you screaming (in a good way). $7 for pack of 12, CondomDepot.com

Sexy Dice
Not all sex toys are directly for stimulation. Break up your sex routine with naughty dice telling you to lick, kiss, and touch different parts of each other's bodies. Some dice are more adventurous than others, so read the package closely before heading to the checkout counter. You can also get creative using regular dice from a board game and assigning your own actions to each number. If you do this, memorize which moves go with which numbers beforehand -- there's nothing sexy about referencing an index card during the deed.
Get it: Test your luck with Dirty Dice. $7, Babeland.com

RestraintsPlayfully tying your partner up (or letting him tie you up) can be a totally sensual experience -- especially if you use a blindfold so you can't predict his next move (or vice versa). Look online or in your favorite sex shop for sets with “handcuffs" made with soft fabric and Velcro so you can experience the excitement without the hardcore edge of metal cuffs and duct tape (unless you're into that).
Get it: Bondage gets a playful twist with Adam & Eve Bedroom Bondage Kit. $70, AdamEveToys.com

April 30, 2018 No comments

Chance are, you're already doing some of these things. 🔥

1. They let themselves get excited together, even when sex isn’t on the menu.