You or your partner just dropped the L-bomb, but was it too early to say it?

Chance are, you're already doing some of these things. 🔥

WESTEND61 VIA GETTY IMAGES

We don’t often associate long-term relationships with hot, earth-shattering good sex. The reality is, plenty of couples have figured out how to keep things fresh in the bedroom even after being together for years. 

What are they doing differently between the sheets? Below, sex therapists share seven habits of couples with the hottest sex lives.

1. They let themselves get excited together, even when sex isn’t on the menu.

Savoring the slow buildup ― drawing it out or teasing each other when you’re out in public and can’t do anything sexually explicit ― is a trait that most couples with hot sex lives share, said New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, the author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship.

“For most highly passionate couples, sex is just the tip of the iceberg,” he said. “They enjoy feeling aroused together even when it’s not possible to have actual sex or orgasm.”

Sure, that might be a smidge frustrating, but getting all hot and bothered and letting it build gradually can lead to super-intense, satisfying sex when you finally find the right time, Snyder said.

2. Every year, they get a little bit dirtier.

Couples with hot sex lives are always upping the ante in the bedroom. Whether it’s grapefruiting or trying some next-level sex position, they seek out the new and unexplored, said Celeste Hirschman, a sex therapist who wrote Making Love Real: The Intelligent Couple’s Guide to Lasting Intimacy and Passion with her business partner, Danielle Harel.

“One couple we worked with said, ‘Every year, we just got a little bit more dirty,’ and that really captures it,’” Hirschman said. “For a sex life to stay hot in the long term, you have to be willing to be creative and get out of the habitual ruts. Talk dirty. Try new experiences. Do whatever it takes to keep it fresh and fun, and your sex life will stay hot long after other people’s have burned out.”

3. They take care of themselves. 

Couples with hot sex lives understand that feeling confident bolsters their sex drive. That doesn’t mean that they’re hitting Spin class every day and have zero body fat. The kind of confidence and inherent sexiness they possess is more full-bodied and holistic than that, said Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and the creator of the Passion Project: A Couples’ Blueprint to Rediscovering Desire and Reigniting the Spark.

“Phenomenal sex isn’t just about your relationship with your partner. It’s also about your relationship with yourself,” she said. “You have to take care of yourself. That might mean making time for self-care, treating your body right, overcoming sexual shame or guilt or learning new skills, like how to orgasm or how to last longer in bed.” 

4. They laugh in and outside the bedroom.

Sex isn’t always sultry, seductive or hot. Silly things happen when two bodies slap against each other, not to mention funny noises. When awkward moments arise, couples with great sex lives take it in stride and laugh about it, said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist and an assistant professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine.

“Humor is a great aphrodisiac,” she said. “Laugh during sex. Couples who can leave stress outside of the bedroom and enjoy sex as a fun, temporary escape from reality are more satisfied than those who can’t shift gears and hang on to the stress, anger or resentment of daily life.”

5. They masturbate during sex. 

Here’s a dirty little secret about relationship sex: Masturbating is much more fun when you’re not doing it alone. Plus, in the process, your partner gets a master class on the most reliable ways to please you, said Shannon Chavez, a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles.

“Couples that masturbate together stay together,” she said. “Showing a partner how you touch your body gives them insight into how you want to experience pleasure. It puts you in control of your own desire and allows your partner to participate in your pleasure.”

6. They explore each other’s fantasies. 

In the words of sex columnist Dan Savage, the best sex partners are “good, giving and game.” In other words, they’re skilled in bed (thanks to a lot of practice), they’re generous, and they’re willing to try out whatever their partner’s into, within reason.

The three G’s are especially important in long-term, committed relationships, in which things can easily become stagnant in the bedroom, said Hirschman.

“Long-term couples with hot sex lives know that each person has their own unique erotic imagination,” she said. “They’ve learned their partner’s deepest fantasies and desires and are willing to stretch outside their comfort zone a bit to give their partner what they really, really want in bed.”

7. They kiss and touch throughout the day, just to show they care.

A playful pinch on the butt or kiss before work matters more than you think. Putting a premium on non-sexy-time touch is a great way to remind your partner that you’re content and still very much attracted to him or her, Chavez said. 

“When you touch each other, you feel more connected and loving toward one another. It shows you want to be close to a partner,” she said. “In short, people that caress, hold hands, kiss, massage, rub and stroke each other without the expectation of sex tend to be more relaxed, aroused and sensually connected as couples.”

Upon reading the news that certain relationship behaviors are proven predictors of divorce, we did a little informal poll among friends to see how many we were collectively guilty of. Welp, let’s just say if science is right, we should all start polishing our Bumble profiles. Here, three of the surest ways to torpedo a marriage, plus expert advice on how to undo the damage.

PEOPLEIMAGES/GETTY IMAGES

SHOWING CONTEMPT FOR YOUR PARTNER

The problem: According to psychologists, contempt, meanness, sarcasm, using mocking body language and/or hostile humor, is the number one predictor of a split (yes, even if your sarcastic comments are hilarious…). “In whatever form,” writes pioneering relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, “contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him or her.” Adding insult to injury (or, rather, the other way around), contemptuous couples are more likely to get sick with colds and flu than other people. Unhealthy much? 

The fix: Gottman advises “building a culture of fondness and admiration.” Discuss your happiest memories, focusing on how and why you got together. Reveal your first impressions of each other, revisit the highlight reel of your pre-marriage years, make a rez at the spot where he proposed. Dust off the wedding album, frame the sonogram, watch a video of your first kid’s first steps. The path to a happier future may just be down memory lane.

TWENTY20

COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR S.O.

The problem: Let’s be real. Smack-talking your S.O. to your friends can feel as therapeutic as, well, therapy. “If I have to pick up his socks—which he places next tobut not actually in the hamper—one more time…” But with every rant, you’re eroding your own foundation. Writes a relationship coach colleague of Gottman’s: “The future success of your relationship is determined by the way in which you tell the ‘Story of Us.’” Another cites research that shows, “When couples are in the positive perspective, they give their partner the benefit of the doubt. On the flip side, when they are in the negative perspective, partners are hypersensitive and take [even neutral] things much more personally. Perception becomes reality.”

The fix: Talk to each other instead of about each other. If something is off between you two, there’s one—and probably only one—person who needs to hear about it. Writes relationship counselor Nick Notas: “I don’t care if you’re worried they’ll get sad or defensive. I don’t care if it’s really scary and challenges your ego. I don’t care if you have to endure tough conversations. You need to fight for healthy communication from both sides. There’s no excuse to handle your relationship any other way…If you care about your loved one, please talk to them instead.”

TWENTY20

THE SILENT TREATMENT

The problem: For those who loathe confrontation, phubbing or fleeing may seem easier than fighting. But, it turns out, shutting down during an argument can be just as damaging as shouting during one. It’s called “stonewalling”—and it’s a proven marriage killer. Per research cited in the Journal of Marriage and Family, “Withdrawal may lead to the deterioration of marriages over the long term perhaps because problems are left unresolved and there is increased distance and alienation.” For some, the silent treatment has been weaponized. One therapistquoted in the Chicago Tribune even calls it “a deadly emotional assassination.” You may not be able to control your partner’s parenting style, for example, but you can certainly control your plan not to speak to him for three straight days. Nothing infuriates quite like it.

The fix: Talk to yourself first. That same therapist advises blocking “the slide into silence” by “telling yourself that although it feels like it will help, your rational side knows it will likely do more harm than good.” Then, tell your partner you need a break to regroup. Taking time to cool off during conflict doesn’t count as stonewalling—as long as you come back calmer to work things out.